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I remember the first time I read Joshua 1:1-9 and I liked the phrase ”be strong and courageous“, it encouraged my spirit.  I didn’t realize that it is a great verse to minister to those who have experience abuse. At church I heard the pastor say that domestic violence survivors were strong because they were able to endure and courageous because they choose to leave a bad situation.

 Be strong and courageous is not the only part of this passage that is applicable to people leaving bad situations or abusive relationships.   There are a lot of time when women with children leave abusive or bad situations. The women are leading just like Joshua was leading the children of Israel. When you are in the leadership role it is important to become grounded in knowledge so they you don’t lead your followers (children) the wrong way.

 The children of Israel desired a stable and security environment  after leaving the wilderness, just like  a family does  leaving after leaving an abusive  situation. 

 Women leaving abusive relationships need God’s comfort and protection just like the Israelites did.

For more informationon domestic violence

Yesterday I watched Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself.   As with most works by Perry, I laughed and I cried.  It hit home as most of his movies do since they are dealing with abuse, un-forgiveness and self destructive women. The main character April was a relationship with  Randy and even though it was April’s house Randy was controlling what was going on.  In the scene where  April asked   not to work on the room because  Randy was sleep. I thought about how I could not listen to the television at the volume I wanted in my apartment when I was with Louie.

LaFreda said something about that and I told her we have already been through that. She asked me how and I reminded her about when Louie lived with us.  Louie controlled things in my home when he didn’t even pay any bills or contribute in any way.

 Excuse to release from an obligation or duty: to be excused from jury duty.

When I use to attend AA meetings I heard an excuse is a lie wrapped around a reason. I didn’t really understand what they meant. Tonight I got upset and stormed out the house with my kids even though it’s freezing. Thank God, He  had our neighbors see us and other us a ride to Dairy Queen. Once we at DQ my daughter asked me was it really that bad. I thought about it and realized it was not. I realized I had been looking for a reason to get upset and bolt all day. As i thought about it I thought I really understand an excuse is really a lie wrapped around a reason. I have been using excuses for years as the reason to run away from situations.

 excuse to offer an apology for; seek to remove the blame of: He excused his absence by saying that he was ill.

Author’s Note

This is a work of nonfiction. I have told the events faithfully and truthfully as I recalled them. Some names and descriptions of individuals have been changed in order to respect their privacy. I have tried to tell my story honestly with out sharing too much of others.

Wealth makes many friends, but the poor man is avoided by his neighbor. Proverbs 19:4

During my first year of college, professor Wilgers asked the class could a homeless person become a millionaire. One of my white male classmates from a rural background said, “yes”.   As I listen to the discussion, I thought I am glad, I am in college.  I was thinking my education will provide me with a security, meaning a good job, that will prevent me from being homeless.

I felt I knew more about being homeless because I was from an urban environment. I based this assumption on the fact that most of my classmates were white and had come from rural areas. Being from St. Louis, I had seen homeless people in passing.

At the time, my perception of homeless was that they were skid row bums and bag ladies.  Of course, they were “those people”. I spoke up in class and said, “a homeless person would probably not become a millionaire because they would be concerned with other things like eating, sleeping, and shelter”. The professor agreed with me.

Ten years later in the midst of being homeless, I thought about that day in class. I realized I correct about the obstacles a homeless person would face.  I discovered that homeless people were not “those people” any more, because I had become one. I realized homeless people were that one paycheck was difference between having a home and being homeless.

I was out raged at the treatment homeless people received and I wanted to expose how homeless people were treated. I thought if I expose the second-class citizen treatment, the public would be compelled to make some changes. The media has carried stories about homeless but they do not really deal with who the homeless are. They present the stories with out human interest. Since I started technology has affected media gathering techniques and distribution. There are some advocates for the homeless such as Invisible people tv that are telling the stories of the homeless.

Whoever stops his ears at the cry of the poor will cry out himself and not be heard. Proverbs 21:13

The media does not make it a point to share that  % of homeless are families. The media neglects to emphasize that 20% of the homeless are working. That 11% of the homeless are veterans.

When I started writing about my homeless experience. I wanted to focus solely on my experience during that period in my life. I did not want to tell my whole life story. As I began writing I realized that it was necessary for me to tell my life story. I decided to share my life story so reader could relate. I wanted people to know that homeless women are somebody’s daughter, mother, girlfriend, friend, co-worker, classmate.

Homeless people don’t just wake up homeless one day. Something happens to cause homeless. For me it was spiritual bankruptcy. My lack of sound judgment caused all my homeless experiences. How does one become Homeless three times? Before it, happen to me I did not understand how it could happen more than once.  I did not realize that, the concept of soild foundation is important. I was just like the two little pigs who built their house out of straw and sticks.

I should have learned that from my experience with blocks when I was a little girl.   I loved to play with building blocks.  I would build elaborate structures with the smallest block on the bottom.  My structures would topple because they did not have a foundation. My Dad would tell me to build it differently.

Scripture says, “Wisdom hath builded her house, she hath hewn out her seven pillars (proverbs9: 1) the seven pillars are prudence, knowledge, discretion, counsel, sound judgment, understanding and power. These pillars create a strong foundation.

Every house must have a foundation to stand. Spiritual principles work both in the natural ( psychical) and the spiritual. Foundations are poured with Concrete, which is mixture of fine and course aggregates, which fill the voids. Instead of relying on the holy Trinity as my aggregates I used all wrong things as gods to fill the voids alcohol, men and food. I was spiritually and emotionally bankrupt.

The Big Blocks of Philly, and Agape that should have been the foundations in my life were not present. Eros was unbalanced in life trying to fill the voids.  My lack of boundaries affected my personal sense of power, my interpretation of the seventh pillar.  Divorce, depression, and subsequent alcoholism were the mildew and water damage that caused my foundation to crack and eventually become unstable.  Depression also affected my judgment and alcoholism affected all seven pillars. I continued to try build on a faulty foundation. My lack of prudence caused me to ignore the cracks in my foundation. The voids in my life grew larger because my aggregates (gods) were ineffective and my structures collapsed. The big block was on top.  My homelessness was just an outward sign of my inward instability.

“We are paid by those who learn from our mistakes” Tears for Fears

In a previous post I mentioned that Tears for Fears lyrics soothed me when I was going through a difficult time. I was thinking David in the bible would have probably appreciated Tears for Fears because they may have understood his pain. In the song Working Hour from Songs From the Big Chair.

I think when Ammon raped his half sister Tamara, which angered Absalom. Who then had Ammon killed and went into hiding. Then  tried to take his father’s kingdom. David probably felt he was paid by those who learned from his mistakes.

His mistakes were sending for Bathsheba and impregnating her and killing her husband to try and hide his transgressions. The prophet  Nathan warned David that the sword would never leave his house.  David’s actions left to generation curses on his family. You see through his offspring that murder, and sexuality immortality cost them.

Like David I am dealing with the pain of being paid by those who learned from my mistakes. I have taught my children to be verbally, emotional abusive and the list goes on…..

Thank God David know who to turn to ask for grace and mercy. God provided him with the strength to deal with the consequences.

After Rihanna’s  interview where she talked about domestic violence, I wanted to write something. At the time  I was not able to express my feelings. I felt it necessary to share my experience with domestic violence  before I commented on Rihanna’s situation.
Domestic violence has changed my life. I have wanted to write a post on this subject for while, but it’s one of the hardest subjects for me to discuss because I have not dealt with the domestic violence I experienced in my past and how it has affected and changed my life. I know effect and impact are similar, but the effect is the immediate consequence of the situation.  Impact is how it changes your life after the incident or situation is over.
My frist exposure to domestic violence was as a young girl. I would sit and listen to my cousin verbally, emotional, and psychically abuse his wife. My reaction at the time was excitement about learning about something taboo.

I wonder why his wife stayed. I thought she should leave him. His wife seemed pretty and smart enough to make it on her own, but she was like Ophelia in the bible she did not want to change.  So she didn’t leave  Moab, and my cousin Ophelia didn’t leave.
My next experience with domestic violence was as a teenager. I was dating a young man, who has shoved me and threaten more violence it scared me and I broke up with him.
As an adult I have been involved in a few  abusive relationships with men.

Last year celebrity couple Chris Brown and Rihanna brought attention to the cause of domestic violence. It’s interesting that during October domestic violence awareness month Rihanna had nothing to say about the incident, but  in November prior to the release of her new cd she  stated in an interview that she wanted to become an unofficial spokesperson for domestic violence.

Recently Rihanna explained that she did not want to  be called a victim because that makes her feel weak. I wonder did she think about the how this statement would victims (survivors) of domestic violence.

Rihanna is not a typical domestic violence survivor. She has  been affected by Chris Brown’s behavior but she has not been impacted.    Her situation had caused her to lose income. She has not had to switch jobs or move.

Rihanna has not faced many of the consequences most woman who  have survived domestic violence have dealt with.

Rihanna has resources that empower her despite being a domestic violence survivor. It is unknown if she sought therapy, but she does  have the resources ( money) to get psychological help to  cope with what happen.

I am anot saying that because Rihanna is a rich and a celebrity domestic violence didn’t affect her, but impact her no.

Rihanna is not the only celebrity admit to being in an abusive relationship. Janet Jackson, Maya Angelou and other female  celebrities they have express their feelings about the issue through their art.

Recently Rihanna explained that she did not want to  be called a victim because that makes her feel weak. I wonder did she think about the how this statement would victims (survivors) of domestic violence.

Rihanna is not a typical domestic violene survivor. She has  been affected by Chris Brown’s behavior but she has not been impacted.    Her situation had caused her to lose income. She has not had to switch jobs or move.

Rihanna has not faced many of the consequences most woman who  have survived domestic violence have dealt with.

Rihanna has resources that empower her despite being a domestic violence survivor. It is unknown if she sought therapy, but she does  have the resources ( money) to get psychological help to  cope with what happen.

I am anot saying that because Rihanna is a rich and a celebrity domestic violence didn’t affect her, but impact her no.

Rihanna is not the only celebrity admit to being in an abusive relationship. Janet Jackson, Maya Angelou and other female  celebrities they have express their feelings about the issue through their art.

When I decided to tell my story about my homeless experience I realized I needed to start at the beginning of my life.    I did not just wake up homeless one day.  My character flaws caused me to be homeless but my Faith  allowed me to survive the experience.

One night, when I was a little girl about four years old my parents and I came home, we saw the police, and soon realized someone had broken into our apartment.  He had broken a window in my parents’ bedroom to gain entry into our apartment. He broke his leg trying to get away.  That was beginning of bad things happening to us. 

                I woke up one morning and noticed my dad was not at home with us.  I asked my mom where my dad was, she told me he had left us.  I told her I was hungry.  Our food was packed up in grocery bags. She said we could not eat it because it belongs to Dad. He came back a little later and fixed breakfast for us, which confused me. I found out later he had spent the night at his friend’s house.

               Later we moved in with my mom’s parents my grandma Helen and Paul, my grandfather.    For some class during middle school we had to do family history assignments. I began asking my mom’s parents about when they grow up. I found out my Grandma Helen was the eleventh of twelve children. Most of her siblings died during childhood. Her parents were sharecroppers. Her Dad’s name was Mathew and he was dark-skinned. Her mother’s name was Lula Ballard she was octoroon ( 1/8 African-American).  She was baptistized in the Mississippi River. A racist killed her brother Matthew.  His murder was never prosecuted. Helen attend Hearts Chapel a one-room schoolhouse.

                 My grandmother married her first husband Roosevelt Cubbington on the condition they would go up north to St. Louis. After he died, she met Paul. They met in Tennessee while she was visiting her girlfriend. She was on the way home to see her sick dad.

               Paul was a Black Indian. His grandfather was a full-blooded Cherokee (Native American).  He grew up in Oxford, Mississippi a hillbilly region. Paul had a sister named Katie and an older brother named Thomas. His grandparents raised him.  Paul repeated 8^thgrade several times because he worked in the fields. He was a cook in the Army during World War II. He told me had worked for a Ku Klux Klan member. He worked for Champ’s manufacturing while I was growing up.

My grandma Helen was verbally abusive to Paul because he was a gambler.  He spent a lot of time and money at Fairmount Park the horse race track in Illinois. It seemed like my grandma Helen was always fussing at Paul. I thought my grandma Helen  hated him.

                 I asked my mom when we were going home, she we were not going back. I was upset with my dad when I realized what was happening.  I was closer to him than my mom. He tried to explain to me that he could not get custody of me. I visited my Dad on weekends, until he went away to college at Cornell University.

Grandchildren  are the crown of old men and the glory of children is there fathers.

Proverbs 17:6

              My Grandma watched me during the day because my mom could not afford day care. Grandma Helen could not get around well she walked with a cane.

               Paul was the only one who took me outside to play.  During summer, he took me downtown to the Moolah Shriners and the Veiled Prophet parades.  Paul took me shopping for clothes. We went to Lerner’s downtown every year until I started middle school.

               Paul natured my interest in reading, history and journalism, he was the only one who really read to me. He would read the comics strips from the Sunday edition of St. Louis Post-Dispatch. We would look at maps together. He would read the Bible to me. When he read the book of Job, I kept telling him it was job. I would call Paul a stupid old fool when I became upset with him, until my Dad heard me one day. He told me I would get a whopping if I called Paul anything else that was disrespectful.

               Our bedroom was in the dining room. Paul, my grandfather, slept in the top bunk bed and I slept in the bottom bunk. My mom slept with my grandma Helen in my grandma’s bedroom. My mom and I were not required to help with household chores.

 Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

               My grandparents lived in the Central West End. We lived on Laclede Avenue our neighbors were the Hare Krishna (a cult), a variety store and other multi family dwellings. Our second floor neighbors were a couple of white women a mother and her daughter.

              My best friend Chris and his mother lived in the apartment next to ours. Chris and I were inseparable. My grandmother would get on us about playing doctor. I always wanted to get naked with Chris. He would tell me your grandma is going to be mad. I would always pressure him into it.  When I started school I became upset because Chris was not going with me. He was not old enough to go, yet.  I started Kindergarten at a private integrated school. I attended the neighbor for kindergarten and first grade.  I did not do well in school.

                I remember my mom working at Baskin Robbins down the street.  Paul took me there one day when she was working.  I got my favorite strawberry ice cream.  When she worked at Barnes Hospital in the cafeteria, Paul and I would walk her home sometimes. 

                               It was right before Christmas.  I remember watching channel four news with my Grandma Rosie and seeing a burning building.  I told my Grandma Rosie I thought that looked like where I stayed with my mom and her parents.  Later I found out it was our apartment building and we had to live with my uncle and his family temporarily in University City, MO. The fire destroyed our Christmas tree and presents. We were able to salvage some of the furniture after a while we moved on Westgate street into an apartment building. The white woman and her mother that lived above us on Laclede Avenue moved there too. I would go up to their apartment to put together puzzles with them.

               My mom bought her first car, a used yellow compact car. She bought a bedroom set and I started sleeping in the bed with her.  Around that time, she taught me the Lord’s Prayer.  Before then I would pray, “Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep if I should die before I awake I pray the Lord my soul to take”.

              My Uncle Butch my mom’s brother took me with his family to Florida. We went to Disneyland, I was so excited, first we went to it is a Small World. My favorite ride was Space Mountain. I like seeing Cinderella’s castle.  I wanted to go inside but we did not. We went to Bush Gardens. My aunt gave me some money to buy souvenirs in the gift shop.   On the way, back we stopped in Atlanta. It was during the Atlanta child murders in the 1980’s. I was terrified and I did not even want to play in the fake log house in the playground.   In Tennessee, my aunt brought a paddle at a gift shop. In the car on the way home, my little cousin beat me with it. When the police pulled us over in Illinois my uncle and aunt quickly switched seats.   My uncle was a drug dealer and probably had warrants.

              Our next move was when my uncle bought my Grandma Helen a house on Goodfellow Boulevard. It was a four family flat. Grandma Helen told me, President Regan was shot, and when we were sitting in the kitchen. I hoped he would die because she talked about how he was a bad president. My mother and I had our own apartment across the hall.

               Eventually my grandma’s Nephew Snookie and his wife moved upstairs in one apartment and my grandfather took the other upstairs apartment.    I would sit on the steps and listen to my Grandma Helen’s nephew Snookie and his wife arguing. He would use profanity and make sexual explicit statements.  He was emotionally and psychically abusive.  Sometimes they would be loud so my grandma Helen would send Paul up stairs to talk to him. I wondered why his wife stayed.  I thought if I were her, I would leave.

  And from your childhood you have had a knowledge of and been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to instruct you and give you the understanding for salvation…. II Timothy 3:15

                 The last time my Grandma Helen went to church was Resurrection Sunday due to health reasons.  In the sanctuary, we watched that old movie about Jesus crucifixion. My Grandma Helen’s friend Ms. Davis came over and did a Bible study with us. Then I started spending the night over her house and she would take me to Seventh – day Adventist church until she moved to Arizona. 

                Then next time I would attend church regularly was when I would walk with some of the neighborhood kids to New Sunny Mount Missionary Baptist Church for Sunday school sometimes.  I went to vacation Bible school with the neighborhood kids at their church.

                On the weekend some times I would go over my dad’s mom, Grandma Rosie house. She would pick me after she got off work.  She would tell me stories about when she was growing up. She would sing praises all day long while cleaning the house.  We would go shopping.  My Grandma Rosie and I regularly attended Sunday school and church together. I enjoyed Sunday school. I was in the Resurrection Sunday program. I wanted to be baptized, but my dad said I was not ready.

                 I always felt my family was different and that was bad.  Nobody ever came to visit. My grandma Helen did not talk to anybody but family. My mother occasionally had friends. Paul was the only one who talked to people.   I know is divorce common, but I was hurt that my parents divorced. Every birthday I wished they would get back together again. The media did not portyal black families until the Cobsy Show in 1984. They were not like my family though.  The sitcom Mama’s family was the only show I felt represented my family’s characteristics   because of the sarcastic dialogue and all the arguing. I felt when the Simpson’s and Married with Children aired those dysfunctional families were like mine. I could relate to Kelly’s “sexpot” character the in Married with Children.

              My uncle started experimenting with PCP, before then he had just smoked marijuana. He talked our family into bringing everything in my grandmother’s bedroom. He told us we were all going to Mississippi.  The next day my mother and my uncle went to the Rose club to celebrate his birthday.  While he was gone, I asked my Grandma Helen to throw his dope, which he kept in the refrigerator in the trash. She told me we could not because it was his.

                Later he came back, in a taxi and He took my mom’s car. After he left, I checked the refrigerator he had gotten the dope. I was listening to the radio in the basement.  It was doctor Jockenstein birthday and he was broadcasting live from the club. He said somebody went crazy up in here and he turning over tables like he the Incredible Hulk.

 I had shared with my daughter that my vision for my life is to encourage and empower women. This is blog is one of the tools I can use to carry out that Goal. I thought about how in the Naomi was able to encourage and empower Ruth with  knowledge. In the book of Ruth, Naomi helped Ruth in spite of her sorrow. Naomi advised Ruth to continue to work in Boaz fields. She also told Ruth when and where to approach Boaz, that she could get a husband.

I thought today about a time in  my life when despite my sorrow I was able to encourage  another woman. When I was homeless I met a single parent that resided in the same shelter. She asked me my advice despite the fact I was homeless. I encouraged her to purse education by enrolling in college. I felt if she enrolled in school she would learn skills that would allow enable her to make more money in the future so she could support her family. I assisted  Hope by sharing my experience of dealing with financial aid. I helped her gather the necessary paper work to enroll and provided transportation.

  I didn’t have much but I shared the knowledge I had just like Naomi in order to encourage  my sister in christ. I have shared this story in hopes that it will encourage other women. If you are in the St. Louis area and you are interested in mentoring young women check out Sisters Impacting Sisters.

 I was talking with a friend last night and we discussed the struggles that single parents face while trying to continue their education. I thought about how I was able to finish school when being a single parent. I have to admit I didn’t consult God on my school choice. I was married and that determined what school I ended up going to. I was able to graduate because God provided me with resources, supportive people who saw my vision of being a college graduate and they where willing to help me achieve.

   A few years ago at a women’s leadership retreat the Ms. Lambert shared that if God gives you a vision he will give the resources to accomplish it. Just continue to trust in Him. She explained how God had given her the vision for Dress for Success Midwest and then he provided the people to encourage her and help her bring the vision to reality.

  You can look story of Moses in the bible  to provide evidence.  God gave him the vision of the Israelites being free. Moses was scared that he would not be able to do it, but God provided Moses with people who helped him.  Joshua was Moses assistant and  leader in battle. It took Moses 40 years to  carry it out. God provided him with resources through out the time.  Jethro  provided Moses with wisdom on how to handle judical issues. Aaron spoke for Moses when he needed him.

 During one  battle Moses hands were heavy and Aaron and Hur supported him so that he could continue to keep his hands up so that  Joshua and Israelites could defeat Amalek. God provided support so the vision of getting the land could be fulfilled.

I spent most of 2009 and  waiting for things to change. I looked outward instead of  inward. I started off good fasting and praying and then I became distracted. I began chasing men again. Scripture tells us seek frist the kingdom of God and then all things will be added.

 I also learned that God answers my prayers and he will use those you least expect to help you.

 I learned not to buy any more used cars. You really are buying somebody else’s trouble and I can’t afford it.

 Fear paralyzed me in 2009. I did get my company started and I  stayed stuck .

Last year I said I was going to post  Inpirital quotes at the end of my post at least  January and I did about three and quit, so I am going to try it again this year.

Reach for the Star- I like this one because it makes me think of some thing I heard before about reach for the moon and if you fail you will be among the stars.

 Aloha 2009 and Aloha 2010